PRICE 15 CENTS 



PS 3523 
.144 R3 
1915 
Copy 1 







Rather Rough 

on Robert ^^^ 






I 



^ 



s 



j^^^^^^^^^^^^^^,,, 



]. W. Lincoln, and 

)ames Montgomery 




rJ 



POBLISHING CO 



Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FABM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
i-EWis Tubes. For five male and six female characters. Time 
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easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD HEW HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
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everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OliD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
fernales. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, who^e tiusband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of th^ villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and noveU,. 'Price, 15 cents. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Town^end. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
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THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Rather Rough on Robert 



A Farce in One Act 



By 

J. W. LINCOLN, and JAMES MONTGOMERY 
Authors of "Putting it Over on Father " 




PHILADELPHIA 
THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1915 






Copyright 191 5 by The Penn Publishing Company 



CI,D 41856 



Rather Rough on Robert 

SEP 28 1915 



9^mf 



Rather Rough on Robert 



CHARACTERS 

Robert Wallace , . , a popular play writer 
Jack Hart .... a friend of the Wallaces 
Mrs. Wallace . . . . who loves a joke 

Mrs. Simpkins . . . President of the Shakespeare 

Society for the Uplift of the Drajna 
Boy ...... from the tailor shop 

Time.— Thirty minutes. 
NOTE 

This play is published for amateur use only. 
Professionals may use it only with the consent of 
the author, who may be addressed in care of the 
publishers. 

STORY OF THE PLAY 

Robert Wallace, a popular play writer, has packed all his 
clothes for a journey and is wearing his wife's skirt until the 
tailor sends back his suit. Mrs, Simpkins, president of a 
club **for the uplift of the drayma'' and a gushing admirer 
of his plays, mistakes him for the maid. Rather than con- 
fess his predicament Wallace acts the part. Mrs. Wallace 
and Jack Hart, a mischievous friend, keep up the joke, and 
make the supposed maid dance attendance. But when the 
suit finally comes Robert turns the tables cleverly on the 
jokers. 

COSTUMES, ETC. 

Wallace. About thirty. At rise of curtain appears 
dressed in shirt, collar and tie, and a woman's skirt. Dur- 
ing play he puts on a woman's dressing sacque and an im- 
provised turban, posing as a maid. Afterward appears in 
ordinary afternoon suit, with hat and gloves. 

Hart. About thirty. Well dressed in business suit, 
with hat and light overcoat. 

Mrs. Wallace. Twenty-five. Street suit and hat. 

Mrs. Simpkins. Fifty. Elegantly dressed for the street. 
Carries lorgnette and a book. 



PROPERTIES 

Wallace. Woman^s dressing sacque, tidy or scarf, knit- 
ting, with needles, yarn, etc., tray with pitcher of lemonade 
and four glasses, box of cigars, mustard-pot, vinegar cruet, 
salt and pepper shakers, tumbler. 

Hart. Manuscript, package of letters tied up, poker 
chips. 

Mrs. Simpkins. Lorgnette, book, wrist watch. 

Boy. Pasteboard box, containing a freshly pressed suit ; 
box tied up with string. 



SCENE PLOT 

Interior Backing 



ooon 




SCENE — Sitting-room of the Wallace flat. Door wnth 
portieres up c. leads to hallway, door r. to bedroom, door 
L. to dining-room. Bookcase with books up r. Table and 
telephone up r. c. Sofa down r. Small table down r. c. 
Chair near screen L. On this chair are a short dressing 
sacque and a tidy or scarf. Desk down l. Waste-basket 
under or near desk. 



Rather Rough on Robert 



SCENE, — Livifig-room m the fashionable apartment of the 
Wallaces. Entrances^ r., l. and c (JSee See 7ie Plot.) 

Robert Wallace (jvithout). Adeline! Adeline! 
(^Efiters, R. He is dressed in wife's skirt which reaches 
only to Wallace's ankles » Above this are his shirt, collar 
and necktie.^ Adeline! Adeline! Are the trunks gone 
yet? Hasn't the tailor sent back my suit ? (^Looks around 
the room. Runs his hands through his hair.~) Great Scott ! 
Whtre has she gone ? {Sinks into chair by the table.) 
Well, 1 can't sit here all day, dolled up like a suffragette on 
parade in this old skirt of Adeline's. {Goes up r. to table. 
Siis down and lifts receiver of telephone.) Main 1350. 
Williams' Tailoring Shop? This is Mr. Wallace. When 
are you going to send back the suit 1 ordered to be cleaned ? 
. . . Right away? . . . Well, make it snappy. , I'm going 
away this afternoon and all my other clothes are packed up 

and the trunks are gone. I've got nothing to wear but 

It's none of your business what I'm wearing ! {Slams down 
receiver. Door -bell ri?tgs. He springs from chair. ) Suf- 
fering cats! What's that? {Glances wildly about room. 
Bell rings again. Speaks loudly.') There's no one home. 
( Claps hand over mouth.) Gad ! Why didn't I keep quiet ? 
What an ass I am— and that's nothing to what I look. 

Mks. Simpkins {without^ c). Is this Mr. Wallace's 
apartment ? 

Wallace. Yes ! No ! 

{He dashes L. to screen. Mrs. S. peeps through portieres, 
looking R, Wallace fum bles at knob of door, l. Gives up 
attempt to open it and, seizing a short dressing sacque and 
a tidy which are on back of chair up L., darts behind screen. 
Enter, c, Mrs. S., haughtily, and surveys aparfme7tt 
through lorgnette. Wallace meaniiDhile is seen beJiind 
screen frantically taking off collar, putting on sacque and 

5 



6 RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 

tying around waist. He fashions a ttirban fro77i tidy 
and puts on heady a long end hanging down his back. 
He dives into a pocket iii the sac que and fishes out some 
knittings staring at it.) 

Mrs. S. Ahem ! Ahem ! (Wallace comes from be- 
hind screen. Mrs. S. surveys him through lorg7iette.) Is 
Mr. Wallace in ? 

Wallace. Yes, I'm — er — er 

{Looks down at skirt and coughs.) 

Mrs. S. {coming down r.). Oh, you are Mr. Wallace's 
maid ? Of course. Is Mr. Wallace in ? 

Wallace {aghast). Mr. Wallace's maid ! {He looks 
at skirt, adopting a feminine voice which he uses through 
sketch, except when he forgets it.) Oh, yes — yes, ma'am. 
Mr. Wallace's maid. 

{Affects a sickly grin and attempts to knit.) 

Mrs. S. {severely). I asked you if Mr. Wallace were in? 

Wallace {down l., continui?ig to knit). Yes. No. 
That is, he will be back. He's just stepped out to get a 
drink — 1 should say he's just stepped out, ma'am. Stepped 
out — stepped out — stepped out. {Knits furiously and sticks 
his finger with knitting needle, ) Doggone ! {Sucks finger. 
Mrs. S. shocked.) Excuse me, ma'am. I get so in the 
habit of hearing Mr. Wallace that— 

Mrs. S. 1 hear that stage people swear dreadfully. 
Geniuses are so full of temperament. My husband never 
swears. {Sighs a7id looks up.) Tell me, have you been 
with Mr. Wallace long? 

Wallace. For thirty years — er — er — ma'am. 

{Enter Mrs. Wallace a7id Jack Hart, c. They stand i7t 
the doorway, aghast for the mo77iefit, barely restrai7iing 
their laughter duri7ig e7isui7ig actio7i.) 

Mrs. S. How extraordinary and how interesting ! Then 
you knew him as a baby and as a boy. You saw him blos- 
som into youth and into young manhood. You saw his 
genius straining at the leash and bursting forth. How 
attached you must be to him ! 



RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 7 

(Wallace has again been knitting furiously. Sticks him- 
self with needle and pops finger i?ito his mouth. Mrs. W. 
hides her face in kerchief and Yip^Ki stuffs portiere into 
his mouth as he capers madly, ^ 

Wallace. I never was so attached to any one in my 
life— er — er— naa'am ! 

Mrs. S. How touching. And what a lot Mr. Wallace 
must think of you-— er — er— what is your name ? 

Wallace. Rob— Roberta, 

(Mrs. W. whispers to Hart, points to Wallace and 
Mrs. S. He nods and stuffs portiere ifito his ?nouth 
again,) 

Mrs. S. {smiling graciously). And what is it you are 
knitting, Roberta? 

Wallace {holding up knitting a?id examining it, frown- 
ing). Doggoned if I ■— — ■ (Mrs. S. regards him severely 
throicgh lorgnette. Hart capers and chews at portiere.) 
Oh, excuse me, ma'am, Mr. Wallace does use such lan- 
guage. It's one of those — »er—er— doo-dads for Belgian 
soldiers. 

Mrs. S. It looks to me like a baby cap. 

Wallace, A baby cap ? 

Mrs. S. Yes. I said it looked like a baby cap. 

Wallace. Oh, yes, of course. A cap for Belgian sol- 
diers' babies. They have such cute babies^ you know. 

Mrs. S, Has Mr. Wallace a ba — 

(Mrs. W. gives Hart a little push forward. He goes 
down i..^ followed by Mrs, W.) 

Hart. Pardon me, madam, you wished to see me ? 

Mrs. S. (turning). Oh, you are Mr. Wallace, of course. 
The Mr. Wallace. (She rushes to him, takes Jmn by both 
hafidSf maki?ig him drop hat and coat.) I've so longed to 
meet the author of ** Phyllis' Purple Purity " and **The 
Unleashing of Woman." {Holds up book.) How your 
plays have thrilled me, Mr. Wallace ! So strong and yet so 
chaste, so broad and yet so exquisitely subtle. 



(Wallace goes up l.) 
Hart {looking up and clasping hands). 



Such appre- 



8 RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 

elation ! {Looks around toward Wallace. ) So rarely do 
I meet one who so thoroughly understands me (Wallace 
shakes fist^ as you do, my dear Mrs. — Mrs. 

Mrs. S. (c). Simpkins, President of the Shakespeare 
Society for the Uplift of the Drayma. 

Hart. Oh, the Mrs. Simpkins ! I hav@ heard of you 
so often, and your Society for the Uplift of the — er— what 
did you say ? 

Mrs. S. The drayma. 

Hart. How stupid of me, the drayma. Oh, yes, of 
course, the drayma. And now, Mrs. Simpkins, allow me 
to present to you the dearest little cricket — er — er — 1 mean 
critic in the world, Mrs. Wallace. (Mrs. W. comes down 
r. c.) She criticizes all my plays before 1 send them to my 
traducers — er — I mean producers. Her help is invaluable. 
While I write, she stands beside me, guiding my hand. 
Don't you, dear? 

(Wallace expresses disgust and crosses up R.) 

Mrs. W. \faintly). Yes, oh, yes. 

Hart. You may call me dear as usual ; Mrs. Simpkins 
won't mind. To my sweet little wife 1 owe all the success 
I have attained. 

{Bows to Mrs. W. and pats her shoulder, Mrs. S. boivs 
to her and she retur?is bow in bewildered manner as 
she withdraws a little from Hart. Wallace, behind 
Mrs. S., is shaking his fist at Hart, who winks at Jiini 
and draws Mrs. W. to him.) 

Mrs. W. Oh, Jack ! 

Mrs. S. Jack? Isn't this Mr. Robert Wallace I am 
speaking to ? 

Hart. Oh, Jack is just a little pet name. Sort of short 
for jackass, I'm afraid. She calls me that when I praise her 
as she deserves. Don't you, dearest? 

Mrs. W. {faintly). Yes — dear. 

(Wallace capers with rage and sticks himself with knitting 

needles,^ 

Mrs. S. How lovely ! What a privilege it must be, dear 
Mrs. Wallace, to be the constant companion of so brilliant a 
man as Mr. Wallace. 



RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 9 

(Hart looks down a?id smiles modestly, Wallace raises 
his clenched fists and groa7is,^ 

Mrs. W. But won't you sit down, Mrs. Simpkins? 
(Mrs. S. and Mrs. W. seat themselves on sofa dow?t r.) 
Jack, won't you get Mrs. Simpkins a glass of lemonade? 
1 know she would like one— and I should, too. 

Hart (c). Robert, my dear, or I shall think you are still 
provoked at me for telling Mrs. Simpkins what a sweet, brainy 
little person you are. 

Mrs. W. Oh, very well, Robert. 

Hart {to Wallace). Roberta, bring the lemonade. 
(Wallace glares at him. Business of conversation bet^veen 
Mrs. S. and Mrs. W. j The poor old dear must be getting 
deaf! {Raises voice.) Roberta, bring the lemonade. 
(Wallace shakes fist at him then starts to exity L, He 
sticks Hart with ?ieedle, H. art Jumps, Wallace stum- 
bles over Hart's coat a?id hat lyi?ig on floor, l., givi?ig hat 
a kick,^ Roberta, put my hat and coat on that chair, if — 
you — -please. (Wallace //V/^i" tip hat and coat, givi?ig the 
hat a vicious punch, and flings them 071 chair down L. Exit, 
l. Hart, aside, grins.) Something must have gotten on 
Roberta's nerves. Tut, tut, tut. Such a nasty temper — 
such a very nasty temper. 

Mrs. S. Oh, Mr. Wallace, Mrs. Wallace has just been 
telling me about the new play you have written. I do wish 
you would read it before our society. It would be so up- 
lifting, so helpful. 

Hart. Nothing would give me greater pleasure {enter 
Wallace, l., with tray, pitcher and four glasses. He goes 
up c, and stands fnenacing Hart in pantoini^ne), my dear 
Mrs. Simpkins — than to read my new play before your very 
intelligent and cultured society. (Aside,) I hope the 
play's typewritten. 

Mrs. W. But — but, dear, we are going away this after- 
noon, you remember. 

(Wallace ^r/V/i-.) 

Hart. Oh, we'll have plenty of time for the reading. 
And we mustn't disappoint Mrs. Simpkins, even if we have 
to catch a later train, must we, dear ? 

Mrs. W. {icily). Of course not, — dear. 

(Wallace groans and rattles glasses.) 



10 RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 

Hart. You may bring the lemonade here, Robertae 

(Wallace comes down, and as he passes aims a kick at 
UkRT^s shin but misses. Hart grtns, W Ai.h ace pours 
out glasses of lemonade. He hands tray to Mrs. S., to 
Mrs. W. and to Hart, who take glasses.) 

Mrs. S. To the new play ! 

( They lift glasses to the toast and drink. Wallace fills 
the fourth glass , and as he starts to take it from the tray, 
Hart, who has emptied his glass, takes the full glass 
from Wallace and drinks the cofitents, Wallace 
clutches an imaginary throat in the air. All this by- 
play, up c, is unobserved by Mrs. S. and Mrs. W.) 

Hart. And may I smoke, Mrs. Simpkins ? 
Mrs. S. Certainly. 

(Wallace //^/i" tray on table, up r. c.) 

Hart. Roberta, bring me my cigars. Those imported 
perfectos. Not the ones I give my friends. 

Wallace [aside). Fifty dollars a hundred ! Robber! 

Hart. Hurry, please. (Wallace comes down \.., goes 
to desk and opens bottom drawer. Hart follows him.) 
Glad to know where you keep them. (W ali^ace pinches 
Hart on the leg, which Hart hastily withdraws. Wal- 
lace straightens up and hands o?ie cigar to Hart. Hart 
takes it and puts it in his pocket.) The box, please. {Aside,) 
It isn't often I get a chance at fifty cent perfectos. 

(Wallace hands him the box. Hart takes four cigars, 
puts them in his pocket and, taking another, puts it in his 
mouth. Wallace //^/i" box under his arm. Hart lights 
the cigar.) 

Mrs. S. And now tell me about the new play, Mr. 
Wallace. 

Hart. Oh, it's merely a light, airy little thing — a trifle 
of nonsense. 

(Wallace, l. c, starts and glares at Hart, c. Hart 
waves his ci^ar airily and Wallace snatches it from 
him. Wallace puffs on the cigar furtively, watching 
Mrs. S.) 



RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT II 

Mrs. S. Oh, I'm sure it isn't. It's deep and pure and 
strong and compelling like everything you write. Do tell 
me about it, Mr. Wallace. I'm just dying to know some- 
thing of it. What is it called ? 

Hart. What is it called? Oh — oh, my dear {to Mrs. 
W., who shakes head ), what did I name it? Something 
beginning with a B or was it a D? I always name my plays 
in alphabetical order, and this is the fourth this year, so it 
must be D. But really, Mrs. Simpkins, 1 write so much 
that sometimes I forget — wretched memory. Tut, tut ! I 
am sure it began with a D. 

Mrs. S. How original ! Won't you get the manuscript 
and read us a scene or two, dear Mr. Wallace? I have 
never seen one of your manuscripts, and I should so like to. 

(Wallace ^^^^x up l. c.) 

Hart. Certainly, Mrs. Simpkins. {Aside.) If I can 
read the beastly scrawl. (^To Mrs. W.) Now, my dear, 
where do you suppose I left that manuscript? 

Mrs. W. {smiling). I'm sure 1 don't know. Can't you 
think? 

Hart. I know — in my desk. {Aside.) A manuscript 
ought to be in a desk. {He goes over (o desk, L., and rum- 
mages around. Fulls out a bundle of letters tied ivith blue 
ribbon and sniffs them.) Love letters ! My dear, your 
letters to me before we were married. I am half tempted to 
read some of them to Mrs. Simpkins, she understands us so ! 

(Wallace, up c. , draws back cigar box as if to hurl it at 

Hart.) 

Mrs. W. Don't you dare ! 

Mrs. S. {simper ingly). Oh, I'd love to hear them. 
They must be too cute ! 

Hart {^sighing). They are. {Catches sight of Wal- 
lace threatening him with cigar box.) Er — perhaps I'd 
better not. {Replaces the letters and continues rummaging.) 
My tailor's bill, four months old. I'd better settle that. A 
dun from the landlord. Some poker chips. (Mrs. W. 
glances accusingly at Wallace, who appears unconscious.) 
The manuscript's not here. {Opens desk dratvers and 
closes them. Tur?is out waste basket o 71 floor. Crosses up r. 
Goes to bookcase a7id feels behind books. Wallace looks 



12 RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 

071 with a grin.) I never can remember where I put things, 
Mrs. Simpkins; wretched memory, wretched. 

Mrs. S. a sign of genius always, Mr. Wallace. 

Hart. Roberta, perhaps you know where it is, my latest 
manuscript, you know. 

Wallace {in a hollow voice). Look in the table drawer 
{aside) you blamed idiot ! 

Hart. Of course. In the table drawer. Why didn't I 
think of that ? But, Roberta, how hoarse you are ! You 
must have taken cold. How do you feel? 

Wallace {between his teeth). Fine — thank — you — sir. 

Hart. You must take something for that cold, Roberta, 
really you must. 1 insist on it. 1 know an excellent rem- 
edy. Bring me some mustard and salt and pepper — red 
pepper — hot red pepper, Roberta, and a little vinegar. 
We'll fix you up right aw^ay. 

Wallace {glari?ig). Please don't bother about me. 
There's nothing the matter with me. 

Hart. Oh, yes, there is, Roberta. Now go and get me 
the salt and the mustard and the vinegar and the pepper — - 
the reddest and the hottest you can find. 

(Wallace takes tray from table up r. c, and exit, L., 

stamping his feet. ) 

Mrs. S. How kind and considerate you are, Mr. Wal- 
lace. How grateful Roberta should be. 

Hart {cofning dow7i c). She is grateful, Mrs. Simp- 
kins. She'd do anything in the world with me. She'd 
walk through fire, almost, for me, wouldn't she, dearest? 

Mrs. W. I'm sure she would, dear. {Smiles at him.) 

Mrs. S. How touching a sight is a faithful old servant. 

(Wallace appears in the doorway, l., with tray fit II of 
mustard^ etc. Glares horribly at Hart and shakes his 
Jisl.) 

Hart {smiling at him). Yes, yes. Touching, most 
touching. We really feel that Roberta is almost one of the 
family. (Wallace crosses r. to table a?td tries to stamp on 
Hart's toe in passing. Hart draiDs tip his foot fust in 
time. Wallace slams tray down on table. Hart draws 
table c. ; mixes ingredients in glass, which he holds toward 



RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT I3 

Wallace.) Here now, take this, Roberta. It will make 
you feel more like yourself. (^He offers Wallace the glass. ^ 

Wallace (r. c). I'm all right. 1 don't need any- 
thing, thank you — sir. 

Hart (c). Yes, you do, Roberta. Take it. 

Wallace (/;/ low tone). I'll die first. 

Hart. I'm surprised at you, Roberta. After I've gone 
to all this trouble to make you feel better, you must take it. 
(Wallace takes the glass ^ sniffs it, makes a horrible face, 
swallows a little and chokes ^ setting down glass.) Now, 
how do you feel ? 

V^ ALLP^C^. (choking). Awful — you— you (Coughs.) 

Hart. Then you must take another swallow^ Roberta. 
I know that will take away your hoarseness. 

Wallace (clutching throat and speaking in a falsetto). 
Oh, no, thank you, sir. I'm ever so much better. 

Hart. There, what did I tell you? Now, Mrs. Simp- 
kins, we'll read a bit from the play. 

(Wallace, up r., shakes his fist at Hart, who is opening 
drawer of table and taking out 77ianuscript. Hart conies 

■ down L. Door-bell rings. Wallace goes to door and 
opens it, disclosijig Messenger Boy.) 

Boy. Suit for Mr. Wallace. From Williams' Tailor 
Shop. (Hands suit done up in paper box,) 
Wallace. Right. 

(Takes box. Exit Boy. Wallace shuts door.) 

Hart (downi..). Who's that, Roberta? 
Wallace {starting tozvard bedroo?n door, R.). The 
tailor's boy with my — your suit, sir. 

Hart. All right. Set it down on the table. 

(Points up R. Business of ladies conversing.) 

Wallace. I — I was going to take it to your room, sir. 
Hart. Leave it right there, Roberta, where I can keep 
my eye on it. I'm afraid I'll forget it. 
Wallace. Yes, sir. 

(Puts box down on table, up r. c, and shakes fist at Hart, 
who grins at him. Hart sits L. ; twists manuscript 
back and forth, turns it over,) 



14 RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 

Hart. Let's see, where shall 1 begin ? The light's bad 
here. 

(J^ises and comes down L., holding manuscript as though to 
the light. His back is toward Wallace, who takes box 
from table and quietly slips suit out of it, keeping his 
eye on Hart. He lays empty box back on table?) 

Mrs. S. Oh, read anywhere, Mr. Wallace. 

(Hart is still fumbling over manuscript. Wallace quietly 
opens door^ R. , drops the suit into the bedroom a?id closes 
the door, }:iki<T tur?is quickly,') 

Hart. What are you doing, Roberta? 

Wallace. 1 was — ^just going to straighten up your room 
a bit, sir. 

Hart {taking a few steps up c, looking at box^ then 
comifig back dow?i L.). Oh, very well, Roberta. I thought 
you were putting my suit away. 

Wallace. Oh, no, sir. 

Hart. All right. {To Mrs. S.) I have the greatest 
time keeping Roberta from putting my clothes away. She 
thinks I'm very careless. You may go, Roberta. (Turns 
again to look at manuscript. Wallace grins in triumph, 
and exit, door r. Hart twists the maiiuscript back and 
forth, turns it over and holds it upside down. Finally 

gets it right side up.) Ahem ! The name is — er — er 

Really, Mrs. Simpkins, I write such a wretched hand that 
half the time I can't read it myself. 

Mrs. S. All geniuses are poor writers, Mr. Wallace. 

Hart. Very kind of you to say so, I'm sure. The 
name of the play is^ — er — — (^Draws the manuscript close 
to his eyes and the?i holds it out at arm' s length.) It is — 
oh, yes— My Shirt is on the Line ! 

(Wallace's face appears at door, r. He shakes his head 
in anger and disappears.) 

Mrs. S. {looking at Hart through lorgnette). My what 
is where, Mr. Wallace? 

Mrs. W. No, no, dear— That Skirt of Adeline's ! 

(Wallace gestures with both hands and shakes his head 

sadly.) 



RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT I5 

Hart. Of course, That Skirt of Adeline's. Quite a 
catchy title, don't you think, Mrs. Simpkins? 

Mrs. S. And so expressive ! 

Hart {reading). Parsons in the hay! {Aside.) What 
in thunder does that uieaPi ? Parsons, parsons? {Aloud.) 
Oh, persons in the play ! Persons in the play. Adeline ■ — — ~ 
{Aside.) That's easy. {Aloud.) Adeline, an orphan. Judge 
Chester, her guardian, {Aside.) That's simple. Er— er — • 
er— Old — Old {desperately) Cheese 1 — ~ 

Mrs. W„ No, no ! Earl Chase. 

Hart. Of course, Earl Chase 1 Now the scene is— -er — 
the scene is in an arctic street» 

Mrs. S. In an arctic street ? But I don't quite under- 
stand. 

Hart (Iooki?ig at manuscript, then at Mrs= S.). Oh, you 
misunderstand me, dear Mrs. Simpkins. Not in an arctic 
street. In an artist's studio. Studio. 

Mrs. S. Oh, yes. Pardon me. An artist's studio. 
How very interesting. {Business with lorgnette.) 

Hart. Yes, The studio oi— {studies ma?mscript) the 
studio of Earl Chase. Er— he's an artist, you know, and 
he has a studio. 

Mrs. S. Oh, yes. The play is to be a study in modern 
Bohemia, i see. 

Hart {looking at ?nanuscript, then looking tip). Yes. 
Now 1 won't read all the stage setting, you know. It really 
isn't necessary with you, Mrs, Simpkins. It will be plain 
as we go along. 

Mrs. S. Oh, that reminds me. You know I really came 
to ask you to read to the Shakespeare society. {Looks at 
wrist watch.) It meets at three, and it's quarter of three 
now. Oh, Mr, Wallace^ would you? They would enjoy it 
so much. 

Hart. Why, really, I -— 

Mrs. S. Such an unusual honor, and— er — ^pleasure^ 
you know. Please. My car is at the door. [Rises. ) 

Mrs. W. {wickedly). Oh, do, Robert, dear. {Rises.) 

Hart (desperately). Well, if you insist. 

{Takes hat and coat from chair, L, Mrs, S. goes up c.) 

Mrs. W. {putting on hat). Oh, Mrs. Simpkins, would 
you mind ? if you will go down to the car Mr. Wallace 
and I will join you in a moment. 



l6 RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 

Mrs. S. Certainly, dear Mrs. Wallace. 

(^Exit, c.) 
Mrs. W. {down r. c). You wretch. You can*t do it. 
{Enter Wallace, r., in his own clothes, and carrying hat,') 

Hart (dow?i l.). Can't I ? You watch me. 

Mrs. W. It is a good joke, but don't you think we've 
gone far enough ? 

Hart. Well, it is a bit rough on Robert. But I owe 
him one or two, and here's where we get even. 

Wallace (coming down c). Quite so. Here's where 
we get even. 

Mrs. W. Oh, Robert ! 

Hart. Well, I'll be jiggered. Where did you get those 
clothes? {Looks at box on table up c.) Let me see that 
box. (Wallace gets the box and ha?ids it to Hart.) 
Empty. Well, old man, you'll admit it was one peach of a 
joke. 

Wallace. Oh, sure. But it's not over. Wait a bit. 
{Goes to door, c, and calls.) Oh, Mrs. Simpkins.. 

Mrs. S. {her voice heard at a distance). Yes. 

Wallace. Won't you come back a moment, please? 

Mrs. W. (to Hart). Now what on earth? 

Hart. Search me. 

{Efiter Mrs. S., c.) 

Wallace. Mrs. Simpkins, I am Mr. Wallace. 

Mrs. S. {astonished). Why — why {pointing to Hart) 
he told me he was Mr. Wallace. 

Wallace {leading her down c). Yes. I heard all 
about it from — Roberta. Fortunately 1 am in time. 

Mrs. S. In time? 
. Wallace. Yes. To capture the cleverest pair of sneak 
thieves in the city. 

Hart (angrily). Sneak thieves ! 

Mrs. S. But he was going to read for me. 

Wallace. Mrs. Simpkins, if you doubt who I am — look 
in that magazine on the desk. You'll find an article there 
about me with my picture. 

Mrs. S. {poifiting to Hart). Then who is he? 



RATHER ROUGH ON ROBERT 



17 



Wallace. An ex-actor and a clever crook, who intended 
to steal my play. 

Mrs. S. And this woman ? 

Wallace. His tool, his wretched dupe, ma*am. The 
least said about her the better. 

Mks. W. Robert ! 

Hart. Oh, this is absurd. Come, the jokers gone far 
enough. 

Wallace. Yes, quite. Give me that manuscript. 

Hart (Jiandlng manuscript). Oh, come, I say 

Wallace. And those cigars. 

Hart (Jianding cigars). Well, of all the — — 

Wallace {sternly). That will do, my man. Mrs. 
Simpkins, I don't wish you to be disappointed. I will give 
your club the promised reading. Come, {^Goes tip C.) 

Mrs. S. {following). But you won't leave them here — 
unguarded. 

Wallace {opening the door, c, for her). Don't be 
alarmed. I have sent for the police. They'll be here in a 
moment. Meanwhile they will be under the care of — ■ 
Roberta. 

Mrs. S. {business of lorgnette). Well, now I look closely 
at them, they really have criminal faces. 

(Hart and Mrs. W. look at each other indignantly. She 
sinks on sofa, r. Hart sits o?i chair, l.) 

(^ExityiRS>. S., c, followed by Wallace. Wallace's ^^^r^ 
immediately reappears through the portieres.) 

Wallace. Ta-ta, children. If you need anything ring 
for — Roberta. {Laughs and exit.) 



curtain 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

GRADIJATION DAY AT WOOD HILI. SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in Two Acts, by Ward Macauley. For six 
males and four females, with several minor parts. Time of 
playing, two hours. Modern costu.mi2S. Simple interior scenes; 
may be presented in a hall without scenerj^. The unusual com- 
bination of a real ''entertainment," including music, recitations, 
etc., with an interesting love story. The graduation exercises 
include short speeches, recitations, songs, funny interruptions, 
and a comical speech by a country school trustee. Price, 15 
cents. 

EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in One Act, by Ward Macauley. Eight male 
and six female characters, with minor parts. Plays one hour. 
Scene, an easy interior, or may be given without scenery. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Miss Marks, the teacher, refuses to marry a 
trustee, who threatens to discharge her. The examination in- 
cludes recitations and songs, and brings out many funny answers 
to questions. At the close Robert Coleman, an old lover, claims 
the teacher. Very easy and very effective. Price, 15 cents, 

BACK TO THE COIJNTBY STORE. A Rural Enter- 
tainment in Three Acts, by Ward Macauley. For four male 
and five female characters, with some supers. Time, two hours. 
Two scenes, both easy interiors. Can be played effectively with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. All the principal parts are 
sure hits. Quigley Higginbotham, known as "Quig," a clerk in 
a country store, aspires to be a great author or singer and 
decides to try his fortunes in New York. The last scene is in 
Quig's home. He returns a failure but is offered a partnership 
in the country store. He pops the question in the midst of a 
surprise party given in his honor. Easy to do and very funny. 
Price, 15 cents. 

THE DISTRICT CONITENTIOM. A Farcical Sketch 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For eleven males and one 
female, or twelve males. Any number of other parts or super- 
numeraries may be added. Plays forty-five minutes. No special 
Jscenery is required, and the costumes and properties are all 
easy. The play shows an uproarious political nominating con- 
vention. The climax comes when a woman's rights cham- 
pion, captures the convention. There is a gre-at chance to bur- 
lesque modern politics and tO work in local gags. Every 
part will make a hit. Price, 15 Cents. 

SI SLOCUM'S COUNTRY STORE. An Entertainment 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eleven male and five female 
characters with supernumeraries. Several parts may be doubled. 
Plays one hour. Interior scene, or may be played without set 
scenery. Costumes, modern. The rehearsal for an entertain- 
ment in the village church gives plenty of opportunity for 
specialty work. A very jolly entertainmmit of the sort adapted 
to almost any place or occasion. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBUSHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An En- 
tertainment in One Scene, by Ward Macauley. Seven male and 
seven female characters. Interior scene, or may be given with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. Time, one hour. By the 
author of the popular successes, ^'Graduation Day at Wood Hill 
School," ''Back to the Country Store," etc. The villagers have 
planned a birthday surprise party for Mary Brinkley, recently 
graduated from college. They all join in jolly games, songs, 
conundrums, etc., and Mary becomes engaged, which surprises 
the surprisers. The entertainm.ent is a sure success. Price, 15 cents* 

JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
Edward Mumford. Fifteen male and six female characters, with 
supernumeraries if desired. May be played all male. Many of the 
parts (members of the jury, etc.) are small. Scene, a simple 
interior ; may be played without scenery. Costumes, modern. 
Time of playing, one hour. This mock trial has many novel 
features, unusual characters and quick action. Nearly every 
character has a funny entrance and laughable lines. There are 
criany rich parts, and fast fun throughout. Price, 15 cents. 

THE SIGHT-SEEING OAR. A Comedy Sketch in One 
A.ct, by Ernest M. Gould. For seven males, two females, or 
may be all male. Parts may be doubled, with quick changes, so 
that four persons may play the sketch. Time, forty-five minutes. 
Simple street scene. Costumes, modern. The superintendent 
of a sight-seeing automobile engages two men to run the 
machine. A Jew, a farmer, a fat lady and other humorous 
characters give them all kinds of trouble. This is a regular gat- 
ling-gun stream of rollicking repartee. Price, 15 cents, 

THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH. An Original 

Mock Trial in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eighteen males 
and two females, or may be all male. Plays about one hour. 
Scene, a county courtroom ; requires no scenery ; may be played 
in an ordinary hall. Costumes, modem. This entertainment is 
nearly perfect of its kind, and a sure success. It can be easily 
produced in any place or on any occasion, and provides almost 
any number of good parts. Price, 15 cents. 

'' THE OL® MAIDS' ASSOCIATION. A Farcical Enter-| 
tainment in One Act, by Louise Latham Wilson. For thirteen 
females and one male. The male part may be played by a 
female, and the number of characters increased to twenty or 
more. Time, forty minutes. The play requires neither scenery 
nor properties, and very little in the way of costumes. Can 
easily be prepared in one or two rehearsals. Price, 25 cents. 

BARGAIN BAY AT BI^OOMSTEIN'S. A Farcical 
Entertainment in One Act, by Edward Mumford. For five males 
and ten females, with supers. Interior scene. Costumes, mod- 
ern. Time, thirty minutes. The characters and the situations 
which arise from their endeavors to buy and sell make rapid-fire 
fun from start to finish. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Successful Plays for All Girls 

In Selecting Your Next Play Do Not Overlook This List 

YOUNG DOCTOR BEVINE, A Farce in Two Acts, 
by Mrs. E. J. H. Goodfellow. One of the most popular 
plays for girls. For nine female characters. Time in 
playing, thirty minutes. Scenery, ordinary interior. Mod- 
ern costumes. Girls in a boarding-school, learning that a 
young doctor is coming to vaccinate all the pupils, eagerly con- 
sult each other as to the manner of fascinating the physician. 
"When the doctor appears upon the scene the pupils discover that 
the physician is a female practitioner. Price, 15 cents. 

SISTER MASONS. A Burlesque in One Act, by Frank 
DuMONT. For eleven females. Time, thirt}'- minutes. Costumes, 
fantastic gowns, or dominoes. Scene, interior. A grand expose 
of Masonry. Some women profess to learn the secrets of a 
Masonic lodge by hearing their husbands talk in their sleep, 
and they institute a similar organization. Price, 15 cents. 

A COMMANDING POSITION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment, by Amelia Sanford. For seven female char- 
acters and ten or more other ladies and children. Time, one 
hour. Costumes, modern. Scenes, easy interiors and one street 
scene. Marian Young gets tired living with her aunt, Miss 
Skinflint. - She decides to "attain a commanding position." 
Marian tries hospital nursing, college settlement work and 
school teaching, but decides to go back to housework. Price, 15 
cents. 

HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET. A Comedy 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For ten female characters. 
Time, half an hour. Scene, an easy interior. (Costumes, modern. 
Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, but it's *'the 
deepest kind of a secret." Before announcing it they must win 
the approval of Harold's uncle, now in Europe, or lose a possible 
ten thousand a year. At a tea Mabel meets her dearest friend. 
Maude sees Mabel has a secret, she coaxes and Mabel tells her. 
But Maude lets out the secret in a few minutes to another 
friend and so the secret travels. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OXFORD AFFAIR. A Comedy in Three Acts, 
by Josephine H. Cobb and Jennie E. Paine. For eight female 
characters. Plays one hour and three-quarters. Scenes, inter- 
iors at a seaside hotel. Costumes, modern. The action of the 
play is located at a summer resort. Alice Graham, in order to 
chaperon herself, poses as a widow, and Miss Oxford first claims 
her as a sister-in-law, then denounces her. The onerous duties 
of Miss Oxford, who attempts to serve as chaperon to Miss 
Howe and Miss Ashton in the face of many obstacles, furnish 
an evening of rare enjoyment. Price 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



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ELOCUTION AND ORATORY 

Parkway Building Philadelphia 



